the sadness of yesterday

Yesterday was a sad day for the Sweens. I got the phone call at 10am and could immediately tell by the tone in the coordinator's voice that it was not good news. She explained everything so thoroughly as I was tearing up on the phone. I scheduled my appointment for Friday and was just a mess all day. Something that I found heartbreaking was when I told the coordinator I was having lots of cramping. She said that those were most likely just the pregnancy symptoms and they would fade. Ugh.. the sadness of that. It seems like such a tease to be having such symptoms and then have it all taken away. I also felt so badly for E who was at work all day giving presentations. He actually found out the bad news immediately before he had to go speak in front of a crowd for 90 minutes. I wish he could have just dropped everything and flown home to give me a hug. But that is not reality. We both had to make it through the day. I had a hard time attending class in the evening, but it helped distract me and take my mind off of everything. I can't wait until E returns tonight so I can give him a huge hug.

Although this cycle is ending negatively, it is important to realize all of the positive things that came out of it. Here is something I posted in an earlier blog in the beginning of my IVF cycle...

I know I will have good eggs. I know some will fertilize. I know I will have snow babies. I know I will have a great egg transfer 3-5 days after they hang out in their dish. I know I will be pregnant.

Guess what? All of these things did come true. The only thing I will add next time is "I will remain pregnant." I'm already looking forward to our next cycle as I know it will be a success.

Here is a quote I live by:
The mind is everything.
What you think you become.
- Siddharta Gautama

I truly have faith that believing in yourself is essential to making your dreams a reality. I have not lost hope. In fact, I'm more hopeful this time than ever before. I had many worries going into my first cycle and I'm sure the worrying will start up for my second, but with a positive mind I can achieve this goal of becoming a mom.

I can also not thank everyone enough for the support. I continue to say this over and over again because it is so true. I find strength in your support, I feed off of your positivity, and I appreciate when I have you to lean on.

This is by the far the most difficult thing I have ever been faced with in my 26 years of living and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. If the light is not shining, the journey is not over.